U Gotta Be Kiddin Me This is a blog about me, my life and my family!

As of lately, I have been having the feelings of being lost. Lost as in, I am not wanted in the family. I admit I have been very emotional lately and I am still dealing with the loss of my Grandma. But still. I feel as if I am not good enough. Or I can't measure up to the family. I always feel like I have to have money to buy their love and always go out to eat. I guess I have changed my standards in life and feel that going out to eat once a week is a reward. I enjoy eating at home, a home-cooked meal just feels right. I love my family, but with all that's going on...is only making my upcoming move go that much smoother. I cannot deal with anymore stress. I can't. It took me to my breaking point last night. A situation happened on Sunday Night between my Dad and Sister. ME...being the oldest, have always looked out for my younger siblings and I guess that instinct kicked in and I wanted to protect my Sister. No matter how much she irritates everyone and gets on their nerves, I felt the need to protect her. My Dad has a temper, always has and always will. I have his temper. But I can control mine. And my Sister knows how to push his buttons as well. Well with the recent family situation, its not been easy for anyone. I have felt like a total failure, and it only gets worse. I mean, seriously I have felt like I have failed my parents. I don't have the best job, in fact I don't have a job at all. I struggle to pay my bills every week. I live in a house that is so small that my Son's room is a redone back porch. And its very small. My room only has about a foot around the entire bed. You can literally stand in the middle of the house and see every room possible. Literally. I guess in the end of all this, I feel like I failed my Dad. Who I have loved unconditionally and will love unconditionally, despite his faults he is my Dad. I know I hurt him last night when I said them words. But it was the only thing to say to get him away from my Sister before he had done something really stupid to her. He doesn't understand what it means to just walk away and take a breather, they both love to egg each other on. Its not a game especially when ones health isn't so great. I fear for my Dad that one day, he will have one of his fits...that he will go home, fall asleep and never wake up. That is my fear!!! And he will never know how much his kids really do love him and are willing to do anything to help him, he doesn't know. I also can't imagine the pain he felt when I said them words, how empty he must of felt or the feelings of not being wanted...oh wait, I do feel that. But one thing he will never understand....how much I love him. I mean one important factor...."Never bite the hand that feeds you!". So with this, I am exhausted and done with everything right now. I have so many other worries right now. I am setting a date for our move. And that will be it. I am out of here. On to starting a new chapter in my life, cause it seems I am not wanted in this chapter anymore.