This is a blog about me, my life and my family!

I copied from Kat.. 2009, A meme. 1.What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? I flew alone, on a plane, stayed alone in a hotel in another city...alone and finally felt like I had accomplished something without the help of others. I felt good having that independence and having the confidence within myself. 2.Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I sure did, I am here still. 3.Did anyone close to you give birth? No. 4.Did anyone close to you die? Yes, my Sweet Grandmother 5.What countries did you visit? None. 6.What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? The confidence to believe in myself, and to follow thru with plans. 7.What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? October 11, 2009...The day my Grandmother died, I feel like it was just yesterday. 8.What was your biggest achievement of the year? My Son and his grades. 9.What was your biggest failure? Not moving fast enough, and my Son not having his Father around. 10.Did you suffer illness or injury? I fell in July, and hurt my back, but I am ok. 11.What was the best thing you bought? My portable hard drive. 12.Whose behavior merited celebration? I really don't know. 13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I'm sorry but my one Sister and she doesn't realize her actions, hopefully one day soon and I will still be there for her. 14.Where did most of your money go? then darn bill people...they suck. 15.What events did you get really, really, really excited about? Seeing my Son again after a month with his Dad in Arizona.. 16.What song will always remind you of 2009? Meet me Halfway...the Black Eyed Peas. 17.Compared to this time last year, are you: i.happier or sadder? Happier. ii.thinner or fatter? same iii.richer or poorer? Um...yah..Poorer. 18.What do you wish you'd done more of? Time with my Grandma 19.What do you wish you'd done less of? Bitching. 20.How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it with the family. 21.Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? Ms. Alysia...she's my girl! 22.Did you fall in love in 2009? Everyday. 23. How many one-night stands? None....that I remember...just kidding. None. 24. What was your favorite TV program? NCIS 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Hate is a powerful word...keep your friends close and your enemies closer. 26. What was the best book you read? Working on that...Boxcar Children as a kid. 27. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery? mmmm dunno. 28. What did you want and get? A new Iced Tea Maker...and yes I got it. 29. What did you want and not get? my Move to AZ...happening very soon here though. 30. What were your favorite films of this year? Four Christmas', Everything's Fine... 31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 36...and I don't remember...I have part timers. 32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Earning more money. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Is that a boy or girl? 34. What kept you sane? my iPod Touch 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least? I don't have one really. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? I really try not to get to involved, I have enough stress. 37. Whom did you miss? My Grandma...and the family we "used" to have. 38. Who was the best new person you met? I don't have anyone that I have met. 39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: That if your in the hospital with a loved one that is dying, to not just step back and let things happen. Ask questions, and why? Is it necessary? And ask, what can I do to make their transition easier? Hold their hand and tell them, that you love them...and NOT CRY in front of them....it makes it harder on them. 40. Do you have any lost feelings of others. I honestly do, but to me...I want to keep them lost. 41.Quote a song that sums up your year: "Your hot then your cold, Your Yes then your No, Your in, then your out.. Your Up then your down..." Katy Perry-- Hot N Cold.

I got up today, as I got to sleep in..whoot so happy. Well when I woke up I found out that my Boyfriend's job decided to lay him off AGAIN. He was there almost a year, laid him off in March/April I think then he went back there and he started back up over a week ago. Then bam...they did it again. It seems, just when we are getting our foot in the door it gets slammed again. Well then, my Washer decided to have PMS today. First off this washer is a year old. It was a gift from our local newspaper because in 2007 my basement at my old place flooded and I was nominated from my Son's daycare to be a family in need. Since I needed a new washer and dryer it was the perfect gift. Well, a year later its giving me grief. Why oh why? THENNNNN after checking my mail, I rec'd my notice from the IRS that I owed them $174...are you serious? So I gathered all my information and headed over to the IRS office. Oh yes, I sure did. Come to find out, I have a whole day of work ahead of me and I have to get it done, tomorrow. No if's and's or but's about it. Then I have to do the same for tax year 2008. Here's my opinion right now. BAH HUM BUG!!!!!!!! On top of all this, I will have two extra kids tomorrow morning. I sure hope they are good. I am so stressed over this its actually causing me heartburn...again.

I have to make an appt. with my doctor. For one I found a lump under my chest area and its freaking me out. Then two, my wrist has been bothering me. I have limited function in it right now, it hurts to lift anything with it. I hope she doesn't have a talk with me about arthritis cause I know that someday it will happen. Its destined for everyone. I would like to find something to help my bones and be able to live a decent lift. I know changing my diet will help big time. I am going to do some research on eating healthy.

It seems every year, I make a promise to myself that next year will be different. Yet, its a repeat of the previous year. I don't get it. I really need some good financial help right now, counseling that is. Something to help me to save my money. I am tired of Christmas always being a sham. I want to give so much but yet am very limited on resources right now. This blows.

As of lately, I have been having the feelings of being lost. Lost as in, I am not wanted in the family. I admit I have been very emotional lately and I am still dealing with the loss of my Grandma. But still. I feel as if I am not good enough. Or I can't measure up to the family. I always feel like I have to have money to buy their love and always go out to eat. I guess I have changed my standards in life and feel that going out to eat once a week is a reward. I enjoy eating at home, a home-cooked meal just feels right. I love my family, but with all that's going on...is only making my upcoming move go that much smoother. I cannot deal with anymore stress. I can't. It took me to my breaking point last night. A situation happened on Sunday Night between my Dad and Sister. ME...being the oldest, have always looked out for my younger siblings and I guess that instinct kicked in and I wanted to protect my Sister. No matter how much she irritates everyone and gets on their nerves, I felt the need to protect her. My Dad has a temper, always has and always will. I have his temper. But I can control mine. And my Sister knows how to push his buttons as well. Well with the recent family situation, its not been easy for anyone. I have felt like a total failure, and it only gets worse. I mean, seriously I have felt like I have failed my parents. I don't have the best job, in fact I don't have a job at all. I struggle to pay my bills every week. I live in a house that is so small that my Son's room is a redone back porch. And its very small. My room only has about a foot around the entire bed. You can literally stand in the middle of the house and see every room possible. Literally. I guess in the end of all this, I feel like I failed my Dad. Who I have loved unconditionally and will love unconditionally, despite his faults he is my Dad. I know I hurt him last night when I said them words. But it was the only thing to say to get him away from my Sister before he had done something really stupid to her. He doesn't understand what it means to just walk away and take a breather, they both love to egg each other on. Its not a game especially when ones health isn't so great. I fear for my Dad that one day, he will have one of his fits...that he will go home, fall asleep and never wake up. That is my fear!!! And he will never know how much his kids really do love him and are willing to do anything to help him, he doesn't know. I also can't imagine the pain he felt when I said them words, how empty he must of felt or the feelings of not being wanted...oh wait, I do feel that. But one thing he will never understand....how much I love him. I mean one important factor...."Never bite the hand that feeds you!". So with this, I am exhausted and done with everything right now. I have so many other worries right now. I am setting a date for our move. And that will be it. I am out of here. On to starting a new chapter in my life, cause it seems I am not wanted in this chapter anymore.

Make sure I properly pack things in the garage. I noticed the other day while packing more stuff that our pond stuff got damaged. It looks like we will have to buy another one of those pond pumps because I sorta dropped and busted off the piece where the plastic tubing goes. If you don't have that, then you have a jacuzzi if you know what I mean. Bubbles everywhere!!! I simply cannot wait to get moved and build my own pond again. I loved it!

The DYI people? You know the ones with redoing the homes and flipping them? I love those shows. I love watching how when they redo a home that the items they put into the homes are unique and beautiful. Any regular Joe wouldn't put any of those copper sinks in, but this one show in particular that was their specialty and it was just beautiful. I wish I could do that myself. It looks stressful but so rewarding in the end.

I can't wait to get moved now even more. It seems the longer I stay around here, the more depressed I get. I have family but it seems more and more its drifting apart. Its not the same. Christmas this year is going to be the saddest one yet. We will be missing the one person we all aimed to please...Grandma. So this year, I am celebrating at home here with my current family. I will be fine. I hope.

I am to the point of no return...UNLESS I start something right now. I just may need a appetite suppressant or something. I get stressed...I eat. I've been under a tremendous amount of stress these past couple of weeks, months I should say. I've been depressed and sometimes too upset for words. I've neglected my blogs and so many other things that I have totally forgotten about. I need something and fast.

While helping my Parents move out of their house, I found some furnace filters in a closet downstairs under the stairs. They kind of scared me, they fell down on me. I jumped back cause I thought it was a big spider or something!! Leave it to me to think that. At least we got all their stuff out. I was relieved after being so stressed. Right now, I have some house work to get done.