U Gotta Be Kiddin Me This is a blog about me, my life and my family!

The air conditioners that is, we have window units which can be a hassle cause I really miss my central air at the old place. But that's ok. With this we have access to the air conditioner filters and can wash them out. Because having animals there is alot of dust and hair that build up. And it can bogged down the performance of the air conditioner itself, so yes I can say we were washing ours out at least a couple times a week.

I've noticed lately that my laptop has been giving me issues and making me nuts. I thought about doing a online backup and redoing my entire laptop. It may or may not run better, but hopefully would run faster. Actually I need to do it for all my desktops and this laptop. With everything thats happened in the past two weeks, its amazing that anything has gotten done. I will write more about that later. Its still to hard to talk about.

I've been dealing with a cold like symptoms and its totally kicking my butt. I slept for pretty much most of the afternoon, and I just took an hour bath. But I noticed my skin is red with white blotches. So I got out and noticed how warm I am. Crap...stupid cold.

I simply do not know how Nurses that handle this stuff on a daily basis do it. I really don't. I have to give them kudos because I am not that strong. Today was one of the roughest days yet. I will say. I got there early this morning and see...I am used to seeing this Strong, Vibrate Woman...instead today she was in fetal position...a position that she should not of been. The Student Doctor came and in and I kid you not, four times she asked for pain relief. They were trying to transition her to come home for her End of Life Hospice Care/Comfort Care. Well. She's not coming home because they let so much time go in between her shots that she ended up coughing up so much blood. We actually thought it was time. We did. She started crying. She looked at us for help. And we did all we could to NOT cry. After she got settled, I sat there and held her hand and looked at me and said. " I Just Don't Know". Slowly family members have been coming in to see her and for each one, it gets harder and harder for her. Knowing it will be her last time seeing them in her mind, she is sad. But my question is. What words do you say? What can I do to make her life more comfortable for her? Seriously, I do not want her in pain. AT ALL. She is worried about the morning time. Because it happened twice today with the coughing up blood. I am not used to seeing my Grandma CRY whatsoever. So yes, I sat there and cried with her. The doctor also said, that she will not be going home. She is on a constant morphine drip for pain, and add'l morphine sublingual as needed every hour. I've learned so much about medicine in the last couple of days to make me question what I want to do in life. My Grandma keeps calling me her nurse, to me that means the world to me. I just don't know if I am strong enough. My Cousin seems to think that she's holding on for something or someone. We don't know what because of all the medicine she is on, she should be sleepy..and she won't sleep. She's fighting it. I am exhausted right now, I've been by my Grandma's side for a constant 11 hours today...actually 12 but I went and got something to eat in the cafeteria....so sick of hospital food right now. But I really could care less....its better than the stiff mashed potatoes they keep giving my poor Grandma...

They moved my Grandma down to the hospice floor. It took awhile before it actually sunk in what it meant. But I do understand. Just right now, I am not the happiest camper with how she is being treated at the hospital. If you know what I mean. She is supposed to be in comfort...right now, she had a bad night because they messed up her medicine. She is supposed to get her Dilaudid every two hours. Well that didn't happen. It was more like every 3-4 hours. So my Grandma isn't the type to say anything. So needless to say, my Mom is very upset. Well, I am about to head up there for a little bit so I can let my uncle know what else happened while I was there.

Go on a vacation next year, but I honestly don't think its possible. I was looking at different accomodations and our different options. We actually thought about renting some condos in destin fl but wasn't sure if they did by week option or what. I don't want to stay a whole month but only a week. I have never seen the ocean, and its my dream to someday see the ocean.

And I've gotten the chance to spend some priceless time with her these last couple of days. She still has her sense of humor. She started belching, and just cracked everyone up in the room. Now that was definitely...PRICELSS.

My Grandma has been in the hospital now for over 2 weeks, my Uncle had a vacation planned and it happen to fall this week. My Grandma was insistant that he go. They went, but with how fast my Grandma is getting sick, my Mom made the decision to tell him to come home as soon as he could. He took one of those Orlando vacations so it wasn't like he was down the road, he was in Florida, had a layover in Atlanta, GA. So I couldn't imagine the thoughts running thru his head. I have not heard what time he actually got home last night. I am just glad he's home safe and sound. And with my Grandma!!

It all started back when my Grandma first got Lung Cancer. She struggled but managed and beat the dragon. She got better, spent some wonderful moments with my Mom going out for lunches and just enjoying that time with her. I didn't get the opportunity because my Grandma is a very strong, vibrate, full of life and very, very independent. Which in turn, she has alot of pride. She doesn't want anyone feeling sorry for her, she doesn't want anyone crying for her, because that is MY Grandma. Things were going good, when she hit another bump in the road, this time it was bladder cancer. Again, she beat that dragon into the ground and was even stronger coming out because she knew the ropes. Just like before, I didn't get to spend any time with her because of her pride. I have to respect that, but when she would call for me...I was there. I never hesitated. I never second guessed. This third time she encountered the evil Dragon itself, it reeled her in to the point that we know her time is short. She was lucky the first two times. But I think its her time to go be with Grandpa. We cannot be selfish, we cannot hope that she gets better because we know the day will come again when she gets sick again and we will have to live with this all over again. The last 24 hours have been the hardest of my life. I sent my Mom a text message..."I hate God!" I was so mad because he was putting her thru all this pain, she doesn't deserve it. She's my Grandma! I've cried...because She's my Grandma! But I have to stop crying, stand up straight cause every time I start to tear up...I hear her voice in my head...."CHRISTINA MARIE!!!!!!!" Because that's how my Grandma would get my attention and I would stop and listen. I have so many wonderful memories I would like to share. Like the Sundays we would go over for dinner for her fried chicken wings, or her spaghetti. Or go over to watch scary movies. Or even the time she got cable for the first time when it very first came out and we watched MTV Moon Man on the BIG tv screen. I think one of my favorite memories is of her skinny dipping in the back yard in the pool my Mom put up. But one that will sit with me forever is when we went to Wisconsin Dells, WI. That was the best week of my life. I learned so much about my Grandma, of how STRONG she really is. She is my Mom's Rock. And I can see why she was such a wonderful Grandma. She is currently in the hospital, they gave her two weeks yesterday if that. I got to spend a couple hours alone with my Grandma. No talking, just sitting with her and holding her hand. Was enough for me. I don't want to say Goodbye, but I will see you later! I am heading up there in a few minutes. But wanted to post. I'm dealing with alot right now and I feel really bad, as I volunteered my time for the Boobiethon that started today. I will be able to do it later on, but right now. My Mom needs me.