U Gotta Be Kiddin Me

I simply do not know how Nurses that handle this stuff on a daily basis do it. I really don't. I have to give them kudos because I am not that strong. Today was one of the roughest days yet. I will say. I got there early this morning and see...I am used to seeing this Strong, Vibrate Woman...instead today she was in fetal position...a position that she should not of been. The Student Doctor came and in and I kid you not, four times she asked for pain relief. They were trying to transition her to come home for her End of Life Hospice Care/Comfort Care. Well. She's not coming home because they let so much time go in between her shots that she ended up coughing up so much blood. We actually thought it was time. We did. She started crying. She looked at us for help. And we did all we could to NOT cry. After she got settled, I sat there and held her hand and looked at me and said. " I Just Don't Know". Slowly family members have been coming in to see her and for each one, it gets harder and harder for her. Knowing it will be her last time seeing them in her mind, she is sad. But my question is. What words do you say? What can I do to make her life more comfortable for her? Seriously, I do not want her in pain. AT ALL. She is worried about the morning time. Because it happened twice today with the coughing up blood. I am not used to seeing my Grandma CRY whatsoever. So yes, I sat there and cried with her. The doctor also said, that she will not be going home. She is on a constant morphine drip for pain, and add'l morphine sublingual as needed every hour. I've learned so much about medicine in the last couple of days to make me question what I want to do in life. My Grandma keeps calling me her nurse, to me that means the world to me. I just don't know if I am strong enough. My Cousin seems to think that she's holding on for something or someone. We don't know what because of all the medicine she is on, she should be sleepy..and she won't sleep. She's fighting it. I am exhausted right now, I've been by my Grandma's side for a constant 11 hours today...actually 12 but I went and got something to eat in the cafeteria....so sick of hospital food right now. But I really could care less....its better than the stiff mashed potatoes they keep giving my poor Grandma...

They moved my Grandma down to the hospice floor. It took awhile before it actually sunk in what it meant. But I do understand. Just right now, I am not the happiest camper with how she is being treated at the hospital. If you know what I mean. She is supposed to be in comfort...right now, she had a bad night because they messed up her medicine. She is supposed to get her Dilaudid every two hours. Well that didn't happen. It was more like every 3-4 hours. So my Grandma isn't the type to say anything. So needless to say, my Mom is very upset. Well, I am about to head up there for a little bit so I can let my uncle know what else happened while I was there.