U Gotta Be Kiddin Me

Archive for January 17th, 2009

A post for Single Parents…

Recently there was a situation that involved my family, talking my current family which includes my Boyfriend and his children whom doesn't live with us but visits every other weekend which isn't alot of time to spend with your own children if I might add. But its court ordered, gotta love them court orders. Absolutley no BS with it and everything goes according to the court order. And also breaks from their schools they are usually here a week. I am in a relationship where my Son goes to his Father's house with his wife and two kids,(not my ex's kids). I have no issue with my Son going to his Dad's, he deserves to spend time with his Dad too. Why should I be selfish and keep him away? Well, in a more recent event about 3 weeks ago...in fact on New Years Day. We had my BF's kids here for the week. It was a nice time spent with all. Then the day came where their Mom had totally missed her kids. Can you blame one for missing their kids? Well I am not about to keep them from her, its not my place. BUT the Girl, started crying and didn't want to go. She then proceeded to say that ever since her Mom started dating a nice guy that her life has been like crap and she isn't happy. But I know for a fact these kids are in a safe and happy environment. I, being a Single Mom for a very long, long time got very upset. She also mentioned that she was going to tell her Mom that she wanted to live with her Dad when she turns 13 which by law it can be brought in front of a judge and taken into consideration. Right then and there told her to never, ever say that to her Mom that it would crush her and break her heart. She knew what she said was in a bit of frustration and anytime your frame of mind is stressed or frustrated you tend to say things that your going to regret. It happens to everyone. Kids say things all the time that they don't understand the outcome or say when they are unhappy in their environment or feel like they are being threatened. Or having something they truly loved taken away from them. It happens. My Son, which I am so grateful understands those things. My Son also knows that both his Father and I love him to no end and forever. We work together as Parents for him and make decisions together. Back to what the Girl had said, I had put myself in that situation on if my OWN Son had said that. Yes it would kill me, it would tear my heart out knowing I put myself on the line for that kid, raised him, took care of him while in the hospital, did everything for that boy and him want to run to his Dads just to get away from a problem at home with me. After that conversation with his Daughter, I sat down. And really thought what if? What if he wants to live with his Dad? What did I do wrong to make him mad at me? Was it something I did? Why would I be so upset? I then decided that would be a good time to sit down, and ask him why? Explain to him the changes that would happen. And if he would really be happy with his Father. Communicating is the key to every relationship. Along with understanding the child in question. Anytime, a child projects their frustrations on the custodial parent it can feel like a knife to the heart. And yes, it totally hurts. I've been there. At one point in time, the Wife of my EX asked if he wants to live with them. I in return went straight to the source and explained myself, and how it was inappropriate of that to be asked. So here I fight every day at keeping my Son happy and helping him with his schooling. But I would never, never ground him from saying anything about wanting to live with their other parent. Why? Because its out of love and hate they say those things. Kids can be defiant, kids can play games with your head. But also kids can say things that they do not really understand. Trust me on that. Most parents these days work so hard for their kids that the kids don't realize it. The kids do not understand the outcomes of certain situations. I have seen kids so unhappy at home because their Mom doesn't really care all she wants is the child support money. Granted the kids are fed, bathed and a roof overtheir head. But its the attention and the love they recieve. A Mother that works all the time doesn't have a good relationship, because the kids don't have a structured environment. Because when the Mom does come home she has been to the bar so drunk that the kids all run from her. I saw my distant cousins growing up like that and it killed me. Knowing my family was not like that at all. I always had my Mom there for me and my brother and sisters. My Dad was always out working but at least I had a stable home. I had someone to help me, guide me, love me unconditionally and even when my parents split for the first time. It was very difficult because we all have different parenting skills. My Mom kept it that way even while they were split. My Dad was more laid back, easy going didn't want to hurt us girls because we were the apples of his Eyes. As for my Brother, he was his little boy. So we shared time with both parents. Granted Mom always made it more difficult but I knew she was doing what was right for us. Right now is the time to make a change for the positive for the kids. Listen to them, listen to their concerns and don't judge them for wanting what they do not have. Do what you can to love that child and show him or her, love and support and that its ok to want their other parent once in awhile. Put yourself in that situation, how would YOU feel if your parent was keeping you away from ones they love? It would tear you apart inside and yes you would vent freely and say things just to feel better. By the way, I am not removing this post whatsoever because there are plenty of people who do read my blog and are single parents and know exactly what I am saying. But then again, every family is different. And I don't judge anyone. Being a Single parent is the toughest job in the world because not only are you Mom or Dad...your Both. Especially if your a Single Mom raising a boy....do you know how hard it was to potty train that kid? I didn't have the required tools to show him. Or when he comes up to and tells you his "private pickle" feels weird. Your at a complete loss of words.