U Gotta Be Kiddin Me

I have been thinking alot about going back to school, I really would love to finish my schooling.  I miss it, I miss the challenge of learning.  I know we are constantly learning.  I have a student loan that I would need to finish paying off then I can go back.  I also thought about taking some online college courses thinking maybe that would be easier. Since my Son’s school is farther away, its not something he can just walk home too. Its a distance. So need to think about it, then decide when would be a good time to finish the classes I am interested in. I want to learn more about computers and just enjoy the learning aspect of it. I guess I just feel the loss of the challenge of learning. I had such a hard time growing up learning, that its something that interests me now.

Over four years ago, I was touched and knew of someone who decided to take their own life.   When I rec’d the call that the person I knew, had hung himself it stopped me in my tracks.  I did not know his reason nor will I ever know.  Because this person had such a outlook on life, very active in sports, and took excellent care of his body and health.  It was my Sister that called me that fateful while shopping at a dept. store.  I lost my breath and started crying.  I immediately wanted to know why?  I had so many questions but no one to ask them too.  Because HE was the only person I knew.  I never made it to him visitation.   I did however drive by.  I stopped.  But I had to keep going.  I knew if I looked back I would have several questions. 

Now, today.  I had to attend a visitation.  It was a friend of a friend.  I do not know the reason or the whys but he also chose to end his short life.   He had a wonderful wife and a Son.  Whom adored his Father.  I simply do not understand why he would chose to leave what loved him the most.  Why he would leave his family to fend for themselves in this evil world.  Why have the ones hurt so bad for the loss? 

When we walked in, it was a surreal scene.  I only knew of a few people.  I found the Wife, and waited til’ she came out of the restroom as I knew, just knew why she went in there.  When she emerged, I went up to her and gave her a hug.  I didn’t say anything.  I couldn’t.  There isn’t anything I can say to make her feel any better as I do not know the whole reason why this happened to her.   So just being there for her and giving her a hug, was all that I could do for her.  I feel so sad for her.  I feel the pain for her.  And tonight when my Boyfriend left, I told him that I am the luckiest person right now.  And I need to cherish this time because you just never know what tomorrow may bring.

Tired of shit, tired of people, tired of alot of things right now.  I feel like anything I do…DOESN’T MATTER.  I don’t feel like talking, I feel like screaming.    And it won’t be nice.  I am extremely moody right now.